Saturday, May 9, 2015

Follow through Friday - Emotions

It’s been a rough three weeks for me. I’ve been struggling emotionally with my weight loss journey and combined with PMS hormones I just felt completely defeated the last few weeks. I finally made some progress getting into the 150’s and then in true Denise fashion, I sabotaged it all. I was just having one of those “days” (which turned into weeks) where I just got fed up with it all. I hate when I get into that mind set. Want to know what was going through my mind: I hate that others don't have to try at all. I hate that I can't go have a few beers and not feel guilty about what it's going to do to me and my goal. I hate that other people don't have to worry about it. I hate that I sabotage my entire week efforts with one night of eating bad and drinking. I hate the way I look in the mirror. I hate that I can't say no to food in front of my face.  I hate that I feel like I have to say no to things/events so I don't cheat. I hate that I feel like I'm missing out on some fun if I choose to be “good” on a weekend.  Now THAT is a lot of HATE and a bad mindset to be in in. I know once I hit my goal, I’ll feel good about it knowing that I, and only I, made it happen. I know I’ll still have to be “good” during the weekend but I can’t wait for weekend splurging to not haunt me. I should be able to have a good time on a weekend without needing to eat and drink bad (and I know I can, I’ve done it before), but I WANT to be able to do it and I want to be able to do it and not feel terrible about it. 

Losing weight and getting healthy is such a hard journey and luckily I don’t let myself fully give up. Even over the last few weeks, I stayed pretty good throughout the work week and only really sabotaged on the weekends. However I hardly exercised, did some business travel and went on a cruise (I did run once on the 3 day cruise though so I suppose I wasn’t too terrible) with an unlimited drink package, so that was just ASKING for trouble. Back to what I said before, I want to be able to go on a cruise and not care, I feel like I SHOULD be able to go on a cruise and not care. But I do care, and that’s what makes this process so emotional.  

However, I woke up on Monday, feeling much better and more positive and am ready to tackle the month of May. May has a bunch of obstacles with a very busy schedule, but I’m determined to stay committed and as long as I don’t GAIN, I’m happy with staying the same for this month considering how busy we are.  Sometimes, I just have to be realistic that I’m not going to continuously lose if I’m not willing to give up certain things to get to where I want to be. Maybe it’s setting myself up for failure, but I have planned out my cheat days for the month and plan to step up the exercise game in hopes to at least maintain this month and if I lose, that’s awesome too. For the month of June, our schedule is pretty light so I’m determined to make June my “no cheat” month. Is that realistic? Right now, it seems probably not, considering I can barely make it a week without cheating (and we’ll probably end up adding things to our schedule), but I think I can do it, if I plan ahead for it and really focus. Focus on the end result. 

Ok enough of all that other stuff, let’s get to the good stuff! As mentioned in my last post, I hit all my DietBet weigh-ins for April but I didn’t have the payouts yet. The pay outs were as follows: $45.87 ($15 bet), $15.86 ($12.50 bet), and $46.20 ($30 bet).  It’s crazy how much they all vary, but any win is a win in my book! I have three for May (5/175/18 and 5/25) and if I just “maintain” I will not hit the two in the middle of the month so I’m obviously going to try super hard to do more than just maintain so I don’t miss out on those winnings.  I signed up for the Celebration Half Marathon (it’s in January 2016 but I just wanted to get the cheaper rate so I signed up early) and five 5ks which are monthly throughout the summer. Having races on the horizon help keep me motivated. I normally don’t do races in the summer because of the heat, but I need the motivation and I’m really trying to get that sub 30 minute race time so maybe it’ll happen during one of those!

The last few weeks in numbers (or lack thereof):

Week ending 4/24:
Weight: 162.2 lbs
            2.00 miles in 19:19 (9:40 pace)
            .55 miles walk
Total Miles: 2.55 miles

Week ending 5/1:
Weight: 163 lbs
            2.26 miles in 25:00 (11:04 pace)
            .85 miles walk
            Arms (1x)
            Shoulder Back (1x)
Total Miles: 3.11 miles

This week, week ending 5/8:
Weight: 161.2 lbs
            1.52 miles in 15:00 (9:52 pace)
            3.10 miles in 37:14 (12:02 pace)
Total Miles: 4.62 miles 

Overall Weight Lost since "Starting Point" 10/24/14: 15.4 lbs

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